The very secret diary of Aragorn, Son of Arathorn

Ringwraiths killed: 4. Very good. Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.

Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.

Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes! Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.

Sorry no entries lately. Very dark in Mines of Moria. Big Balrog.
Not King today either.

Orcs killed: 7. Very good. Stubble update: Looking mangy. Legolas may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.

In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench. Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad. Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.

Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy. Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind. I think Legolas might be kinda gay.
Nope, not King.

Orcs killed: Countless thousands. Very good. Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay. Not so sure about Gimli either. RIP Boromir.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.

Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why? My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? Not so sure about me either.
Still not King, goddammit.